Chuck Norris "Facts"
Chuck Norris was "born" on March 10, 1940. (More on why we put born into quotes there later…) His mother was a beautiful young woman from Alabama and his father was the Norse war-god Odin. Funny story how the two of them met. But, we don't have time to get into that here.
Young Chuck – who was nearly six feet tall and had a full beard within a couple hours of being born – grew restless waiting for his mother to recover from labor. So, he left the hospital and started on his own adventure.
He walked for three weeks before reaching Los Angeles. From there, he dove into the Pacific Ocean and swam for two straight months before getting to his destination: a quiet monestary in the north of Japan. He dried off, climbed the steep mountain, and reached the temple at its peak just before sunset. It was there that he acquired both his fighting skills and his name.
The legendary 154-year-old martial arts master who lived in the temple was surprised to see that someone had scaled the steep cliffs of the mountain. He was still more surprised to see that the man who done so was an American.
"What is your name?," he called out.
"I don't know," replied Chuck who, at this point, was only a a few months old but already had a complete grasp of the English language.
"Well, who is your father?"
"Odin, the Norse war-god."
The master, being 154 years old, was hard of hearing and mistook Norse for Norris. The name stuck.
Over the next decade, Chuck Norris would train relentlessly, becoming the fiercest warrior who ever lived. He then traveled to Oxford to study acting at age ten. He was a top student, drawing acclaim from all his professors and fellow students, especially for his role as Peter Pan.
Finally, after so much preparation, he was finally able to create the greatest television show of all time. Walker, Texas Ranger continues to inspire a whole generation of high-achievers today, 24 years after it first aired.
This is just part of the story. For the rest, refer to the collection of Chuck Norris facts below, in no particular order. They're all completey true.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his fellow travelers do not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick-related deaths have increased 13,000%.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it, honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and shits them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after, all three died of roundhouse-kick-related deaths.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse-kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by beta testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Sonic booms are really Chuck Norris's orgasms.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, realizing that would be the less painful way to die.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… Horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "Always leave things the way you found them!"
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, 2 of clubs, 7 of spades, a green number 4 from Uno, and a Monopoly "get out of jail free" card.
Chuck Norris doesn't worry about changing his clock twice a year for daylight savings time. The sun rises and sets when Chuck tells it to.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane by pointing his finger and yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds until." After you ask, "Two seconds until what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
On the 7th day, God rested… Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
Chuck Norris does not procreate, he breeds.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.